The Ugly Truth I Learned About Myself in 2020
How It Started
Obligatory, dramatic hyperbolic opening statement: I live for symbolism.
Some people live for tacos, others live for achieving goals, and some others live for recognition. While I like tacos, goals, and recognition, I live for symbolism. (Friendly reminder - hyperbole at play here. I obviously strive to live for Jesus.) So, I was pumped for the whole “2020/year of perfect vision” symbolism thing.
Like many others, I walked into 2020 starry eyed and hopeful, and I limped out banged up and uncertain. Amidst the virus, isolation, unrest, protests, riots, polarizing political climate, toilet paper shortage, devastating personal loss, strained relationships, and unmet expectations, I was also stripped of my favorite excuse: I just don’t have time.
I just don’t have time to keep the house clean.
I just don’t have time to cook.
I just don’t have time to read.
I just don’t have time to workout.
I just don’t have time to remain in Christ consistently.
I just don’t have time.
Ugly Truth
Though I am confident many people’s quarantine looked vastly different than mine, you may have even had less time than before, at the very least almost everyone I know was forced to reorient their daily lives. The familiarity of a daily routine was tied to a boulder, shipped out to sea, and thrown in the frigid waters of the Arctic ocean.
Or, in other words, most people were forced to take an inventory of their life and decide what needed to stay, what needed to go, and what needed to start happening in this strange, alternate universe we’re all living in.
And this, my friends, is when I found myself in a staring contest with my ugly truth. it wasn’t a time problem that was keeping me from intimacy; it was a priority problem. To just put all my Phase 10 cards on the table, it wasn’t a priority to me to sit with Jesus, listen to the Spirit and worship God. So, it didn’t happen.
What changed
This may sound ‘extra grated cheese on top of the cheese sticks’ cheesy, but accepting and confessing my priority issue to myself and the Lord really, truly was the first step in regaining intimacy through consistency with Jesus.
Beyond that confession, a small number of things worked together to help me keep my relationship with the Lord in the right place. But the number 1 thing that helped was focusing on and committing to consistent prayer. (And please know when I say “focusing on” and “committing to” you should read “begging Jesus to help me not silence the Spirit’s promptings on when to pray and what to pray.” Just wanted to clear up any “Jackie’s SO discipline” nonsense.)
And by God’s grace and mercy, I can currently say with very little hyperbole, I live for prayer. I live by praying. I’m by no means perfect at it… but what does it even mean to be ‘perfect’ at prayer?
It is certainly not where we stop, but praying authentically has been a pretty good place for me to start.
